The Asian Allergy Mom’s Good Inside Collection: Practical Parenting Resources

When I read posts of parents asking for support for their DFKs, close to half of the time I am filled to the brim with compassion and empathy, and I want to respond by asking if they've considered if their child is neurodivergent.

If this statement makes you balk or recoil, I understand. 💙 And I humbly ask you to pause and reflect on where that discomfort might be coming from—could it be rooted in stigma? Or assumptions about what it means to be neurodivergent? To be autistic, to have ADHD, GAD, OCD?

My son had so many clear but non-stereotypical traits of autism when he was two, but no one mentioned autism until we met a blunt and compassionate therapist when he was 6. After his diagnosis, things didn't magically get better, but we finally understood our sweet and beautiful boy so much better. We stopped trying to make him fit into a neurotypical box. We stopped wondering if we were the worst parents ever. DFK strategies helped, but the autism diagnosis opened doors for better school supports, for people in our community to understanding him better—for him to understand and accept himself. And you guys, he is thriving. I want that for our not-yet diagnosed neurodivergent kids 💙💙

I say this with all of my compassion: so many of us don't know the non-stereotypical presentations of conditions like autism and ADHD. Even with my Masters in Education, I definitely didn't. And I wonder how many kids (our own, and kids in our community) will benefit if we all took a few minutes to learn a little bit more—more about demand avoidance, executive functioning skills, sensory differences, cognitive rigidity, etc.

Here are some really helpful ways to look at the traits of autism (yes, kids with autism can be social, smart and make eye contact!)

Here is a brief description of the three types of ADHD and myths of ADHD (yes, kids with ADHD can sit still and focus!)

Of course there are parents of DFKs whose kids are not neurodivergent. But there are likely many parents of DFKs whose kids are neurodivergent but just don't know it yet. And that was me. And it was so incredibly difficult and isolating. I hope you’ll see this as an invitation to open our minds to the idea that our kids might be differently wired, that they might benefit from understanding their neurotypes and getting supports tailored to their particular needs.

For those who suspect that their kids might be neurodivergent, getting an evaluation is not admitting defeat; it’s not putting your kid in a box; it’s pulling them out of one. I believe with all my heart that seeking an evaluation is an incredible act of advocacy and love, a way of turning “I believe you” into an action.

Here’s my favorite quote of all time: “Why do you need a label? Because there is comfort in knowing you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse. Because you can’t find community with other zebras if you don’t know you belong. And because it’s impossible for a zebra to be happy or healthy spending its life feeling like a failed horse.”

If you’re interested in diving a little deeper, here are some ideas:

Join the room here on Good Inside!
Follow clinical psychologist on Instagram. Here are some posts to start with: A psychological evaluation is a form of advocacy | Are you worried about labeling your child?
Follow pediatric occupational therapist on Instagram. Here are some posts to start with: The Nervous System Budget | 4 Common Concerns with Using Neurodivergent Labels
And here is a post from both Alex and Laura together: Your Questions About Psychological Evaluations Answered
NDK Interventions Cheat Sheet created by Alex Reed and
A Good Inside thread: NDK or DFK?

What cognitive rigidity looked like for my son: Everyone had to exit the car in the same order, the same lights (and only those lights!) could be on when he woke up in the morning. I had to stop for 3 seconds at every stop sign or else I had to make a loop and do it again. When he organized his cards on the floor, they could not be moved for weeks and weeks. We had something like a 15-step process for bedtime, and we would spend an hour hunting down all the very small specific toys he needed in his room in order for him to settle down. And in all of these situations, if things didn't happen the exact way he envisioned, he went into fight/flight and it was really, really hard.

The first thing that helped us was realizing that the cognitive rigidity was an expression of his desire for safety. The dysregulation he felt when things weren't exactly as he expected was basically feeling like his life was in danger. So that helped us at first to see that he was really struggling.

Here's what we did first to support him: We introduced him to the idea and actual concepts of rigidity and flexibility, defining the two terms explicitly. We said that math is rigid. 1+1 always = 2. Rigidity in arithmetic math is very important! We didn't want him to think that rigidity is "bad." There is absolutely a place for rigidity. Rules in sports, etc. But sometimes flexibility can help. And I would name a few different scenarios where he could clearly recognize that flexibility is important: finding another way home when there's construction, making something else for dinner if the chicken has gone bad.

So we chose an area of rigidity that we could "challenge." We started with the lights in the morning because he was well rested and the stakes weren't so high (bedtime rigidity was last because the stakes were very high!). And the introduction of the challenge was really important. We framed it like it was something that would help him, and we framed it like a game. We also had this conversation during a calm and regulated time, of course.

"Hey, can I ask you about something? You know how you only want the one floor lamp on in the morning when you wake up? You know that I forget sometimes, and I know it can be so hard for you when I turn on a different light. So we had the idea to help you with this. Are you interested? ... This is an idea, and you can let me know if it's something we can try... or not! Here's the idea: We're gonna play a game. Tomorrow morning, you just might see that a different light is on. GASP! ...OR... You might see that TWO lights are on!! If two lights are on, will you be safe? If a different light is on, will you be safe?" And so on. For the first one, he said he didn't want to try tomorrow but the day after. And I think it helped him that we had one day more with the expected routine before trying the "challenge."

And we went through the different elements of rigidity this way, adding more and more change in one category until he could demonstrate flexibility in that one category. Then we would move on to a different challenge. For the cards arranged on the floor, I would move one card, and then move it right back, all in his view. At the next stage, I tilted a card slightly and left it for a few minutes. You get the idea. Baby steps.

We also experimented with this idea of challenging rigidity in role play with his stuffies. After challenging several different expressions of his rigidity, he began to be able to transfer the cognitive flexibility idea to other areas, which was AMAZING to see.

The idea is to 1) make it a game and 2) to make it somewhat predictable with giving him a full understanding of why it's happening (buy-in!), and 3) to make it manageable (baby steps). We're rewiring their brains and making new associations so that sameness and meeting very specific expectations isn't the only way to be safe anymore.

I think this is a great opportunity to teach your daughter what love is. I don’t think it’s a matter of love languages, but it’s her definition of what she thinks love is. Her current definition appears to be “Someone loves me when they do for me what I want.”

I think it’s really important for all kids to learn that this is not love. If we apply the above definition to other contexts, for example with a partner who wants to take advantage, we can see how this definition falls woefully short. And I hate to catastrophize, but I think it’s really, really important that being able to identify true selfless love is established for our kids before they go out into the world on their own.

I would take some time to come up with a simple definition for yourself of what love is, not just how it’s expressed. Something universal that can apply to her life currently as your daughter, as a future partner to someone, as a future parent. Something like this: “Love is a deep and genuine affection and care for someone else's well-being and growth.”

I would be careful not to include the word “happiness” because then we fall back into that “show me you love me by letting me do what I want because it makes me happy.” Often the way we show our love contradicts what they want, what makes them happy.

Once you come up with a definition, then I’d infuse that language when you are doing something that shows your love. I often tell my kids, “I know I couldn’t spend time with you while I was cooking, but I want you to know that my providing food for you is an important way I show my love because your bodies need food to grow and be healthy.” “I know you miss your dad while he’s at work. But this is his very important act of love to you guys. One important reason he works is to provide us with the money we need to live safely in our home.”

And I hope that you’ll be STURDY in your definition and stick by it. When your daughter expresses that she doesn’t feel loved by you, please remember that it’s her definition that needs work, not YOU.

Another response:

I’m curious if you’ve ever defined what love is for your son? A lot of kids’ default definition of love is doing things to make someone “happy”. And we know that this definition falls short.

I think your script is great, and I would add a definition of what “I love you” means.

My ND son also struggled with the same thing, so not only did I define love (“caring deeply about someone’s well-being”), but I showed him throughout the day how demonstrate that love.

“I’m cooking dinner for you, even though I’m tired. This is how I show you I love you.”

“I’m not letting you download that app because it doesn’t align with our family values. This is how I’m protecting your mind because I love you.”

“I’m staying home from work to be with you on this snow day because your safety is important to me. This is how I show you I love you.”

It helped my son too to take the wrong definition of love to the extreme and show that it doesn’t work. “If love is about making someone happy, what if my friend says ‘Go and throw snowballs at the kindergarteners’ faces. That will make me happy.’ What do you do?” (This happened to my son 😩)

Lots of opportunities to explore love in relationships, showing how you demonstrate and receive love from your family, partner, friends, etc.

We used different strategies with both kids. For my son, it was a sensory issue - fear of loud sounds. We give him noise-canceling headphones before we go in - you never know when someone else will flush, when someone will turn on those obnoxious air dryers. We also cover up the toilet sensor (for automatic toilets) with toilet paper and remove it when our son was prepared for it to flush.

For my daughter, I think it’s the size of the toilet she was afraid of. So we brought in a foldable portable toilet (we like the one OXO makes), and put it on the floor.

It sounds like your child has associated the bathroom with scary things and these strategies may not work to actually get your kid into the bathroom yet!

So first, outside-the-moment work would include validating your child’s fear, and making sure not to dismiss it and try to convince it away.

Then, when your son is ready, one play idea that come to mind… first checking that a public bathroom is empty and just practice going in and then coming out. “Daddy will take you into the bathroom and you count the stalls. Then mommy has to guess how many stalls there are! Do you think she’ll guess correctly?” Then Mom can make some crazy guesses (“1,000 toilets! One tiny toilet for squirrels??”) just to get the giggles going. Maybe using some of his interests to just slowly be exposed to safe and fun experiences in the bathroom - making sure they’re empty first (no chance of unexpected flushes or air dryers).

A couple things we’ve done with my kid who has these same struggles too.

1) Watch on a small screen. When I first expose my son to a show or movie, I do it on my phone first, and somehow it seems less scary. That it takes up less of his vision. So maybe show him some points of an upcoming movie (including when the villain appears or when there is a lot of suspense) on a tiny screen.

2) Turn the volume either super low or all the way down. You can read the captions in a silly voice and suddenly it isn’t quite so scary anymore! And then turn it back up when your son is ready.

3) We also started with movie versions of shows he already likes. So during his My Little Pony phase, we watched the My Little Pony movie so that at least all the other characters and the world of the movie were familiar. During his Pokemon phase, we watched the Pokémon movies. Octonauts movie, etc. I would say that the Octonauts movies are the least intense because there’s no villain - they’re just solving a nature problem and trying to help out. Because he may not be ready for movies with villains yet, and that’s totally okay and normal!

So here’s my underlying belief that informs how I approach this (and I’ll talk about autism since my son is autistic.) — Autism isn’t bad, it isn’t something to be ashamed of, and my son’s autistic traits are nothing to apologize for. But the autism diagnosis does help people understand him and our family better, so it’s absolutely worthy of openly sharing with folks.

Second underlying belief: I don’t want the power of the stigma of autism to have any power over me or my son. So if someone is going to exclude my son because of his autism, f*** them. I never curse, but I WILL asterisk a curse word whenever there is ableism, especially ableism directed at my amazing son. 😂

So what does this look like? First, I disclosed my son’s diagnosis with my son. 100% the first step.

Second, there were opportunities to bring up his autism early on in my relationships with his classmates’ parents. Like in response to the common question, “how’s your kid doing in Ms. Foster’s class?” I’d say, “As well as we were hoping! He’s autistic and he has a hard time with social interactions with peers and loud sounds, but he loves learning so Ms. Foster has been super supportive and we’re so thankful! How’s your kid doing?” Or in response to the question “Would your child like to have a playdate?” I’d say, “Aw that would be great! My son is autistic so x and y might be hard for him — could we maybe meet at our house and keep it short for our first playdate and see how it goes?”

With his basketball friends, we have a carpool and the moms in the carpool are only acquaintances. So I sent a text message to them saying, “I loved seeing the boys at practice today—my son is autistic, and your sons probably know already; I saw them giving my son a lot slack in a skill that’s really hard for him, and they were making efforts to include him, and I’m so thankful! Please tell your sons that they are helping my son feel like he belongs! ❤️”

So at the heart of it, I shared my son’s autism diagnosis in the context of relationship, making sure I’m never apologizing for his autism, but just as an fyi to help others understand our challenges. Same as I would share if he had a broken leg that made certain activities hard, or if he was diabetic and his diet was affected.

My son is in fourth grade, and we have yet to encounter a family who has responded negatively to this information (to my knowledge!), although I know we are pretty lucky.

One avenue to explore is the idea of demand avoidance, which is not uncommon for our autistic kids. It can be present in any kids (neurotypical or neurodivergent), and can vary in intensity and frequency.

Demand avoidance is the idea that our kids perceive demands as threats to their safety and threats to their autonomy. So much so that their fight/flight response may kick in. Even questions like “how was school” and praise like “wow you put in so much effort for that math problem!” can be perceived as demands.

As for strategies, there are two big categories that I see for helping our kids with demand avoidance: 1) lowering demands and 2) using declarative language.

We do a bit of both in our home, and we tell our son - “there are no MUSTs in our home except for when it comes to safety.” So we don’t care about manners and other things like that. But for things like school, following through on what we said we would do, practicing a skill… we really don’t make it a “must,” but we lean heavily into our family values when having open discussions about these kinds of things, we talk about the consequences of missing school whenever we feel like it, consequences of not going to basketball practice (actual consequences, not punishments disguised as consequences 😏).

I also tweak my wording. Instead of “go put on your shoes,” I’ll say, “It’s 7:45 - do you want to put your shoes on on your own or would you like help today?” Instead of “iPad time is done, put it away,” I’ll say “It’s been 20 minutes - what’s going on in Minecraft? Oh wow you’re finishing up that cool glass house! Okay since it’s been 20 min and iPad time is ending, I’ll sit with you and help you transition when you’re done with your glass house!” Everything is an invitation, a choice, “when you’re ready,” an expression of trust, an offer of support—making sure my kid feels safe and has support and autonomy when there’s something I’d like him to do.

As for declarative language, Googling “declarative language for demand avoidance” will get you a lot of great articles! Most of it will likely be in reference to PDA, a profile of autism where demand avoidance is quite frequent and quite intense, but the strategies you’ll find can be helpful to all kinds of kids.

Games are such a wonderful avenue to teach skills, and yet it can feel so tricky, especially since it’s a game your son loves so much!

Something we’ve done at home is be flexible with the rules—in a structured way. So maybe we’ll write down some “house rules” before we play, but we make sure to tell our kids that other people do not play this way. And that when there’s a house rule, then it applies to everyone.

So we might say, “Today we’re playing by house rules, but tomorrow we will play by the regular rules.” Modeling flexibility in this way can be really powerful!

Another way we accommodate is by playing by the rules and then when it gets really hard, we switch the objective to try to be the first one to LOSE. This way we’re still playing by the rules, but we’re instilling some silliness and making it “easy” to play. Alternatively, you can even start the game with the “person who loses first wins” objective from the get-go.

I think the goal is to make the challenge of playing this game actually attainable based on where their frustration tolerance is at; otherwise our kids won’t be able to actually benefit from what the game can teach, you know?

My kids are 9 and 6 and we never did the Santa thing and I’m so proud that they have never given it away! Even my son who is autistic and sees things in black and white and canNOT lie!

We told the kids that many other families “play the Santa game,” and telling them that Santa doing the whole presents thing is pretend ruins the game for them. That is a concept they did understand, even when they were really little.

We also did practice runs. I’d pretend to be my son’s friend Ivy. “I’m so excited to see what Santa will bring me!” Ivy says. And we asked him “would it ruin the game for Ivy if you said x? What about x?” And we gave him some scripts like “that sounds exciting!” 😆

We had to anticipate situations that they might come across and coach them on what they could say that would help keep the game going. We even wink at each other when other kids are talking about Santa so the kids know that I know that they know lol. It can be done!

I’m curious if you’ve told the teachers about the ADHD diagnosis, and if you’ve told your daughter? When we as parents and teachers understand better about our kid’s neurotype, it can open up so much more empathy and targeted problem-solving knowing, in general, what type of brain we’re dealing with. Of course not all kids with ADHD are exactly the same, but there are often some common threads like executive functioning differences, sensory needs, etc. And learning better about how these challenges can affect our kids’ behavior at school can make us really strong advocates. And when our kids understand their own neurotype—with both its strengths and challenges—it can be an incredibly powerful thing.

When our kids are having a hard time at school, whether they have any kind of formal diagnosis or not, the first thing that I would look at is how we can adjust the school environment to meet our kids’ needs. The underlying belief there is that if our kids are exhibiting challenging behavior, it’s because the expectation we have for them is not within their reach at the moment. So having open-ended discussions with your daughter would be a great place to start. “You’re not in trouble, and I want to be able to help you. Can you tell me about some of the things about school that are hard for you?”

Many of our kids with ADHD can qualify for 504 Plans (if you’re at a public school in the U.S.) with accommodations that can support her based on her individual needs. And even if she doesn’t qualify for a 504 Plan officially (if you’re at a private school or outside the U.S., or for any other reason), teachers can still implement accommodations to help your daughter succeed in school. Here is a really helpful list of common accommodations that can help our kids with ADHD at school. https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/504-plan-accommodations-for-adhd/

The first thing that comes to mind is starting a conversation with the teachers, lunch aides, whoever might be working with your son. There is definitely room to advocate for our kids so that teachers and staff can start to see that we have a good kid, even if they exhibit some challenging behavior. For example, what I would’ve loved to see is a teacher approaching your son after the spilled drink and said, “Whoa, what’s going on here? Hey, let’s have a chat. Can you tell me what happened?” to get a fuller picture of the entire situation. And I know you said your son is hesitant to call out a classmate, but when teachers have a better understanding of our kids and can give our kids the benefit of the doubt, it can make all the difference. Maybe the next question is, “Did someone do or say something to upset you? Thumbs up/down?” “You were having a hard time?”

The culture of the school also makes a big difference… If they’re all about compliance and they see challenging behavior as a “choice” (I haaaaate that), then it might be an uphill (but not impossible) battle.

And zooming out, I think teachers having some language about individual differences (whether neurodivergent or not!) is really helpful for everyone. People will eat differently, drink differently, communicate differently, show excitement and sadness differently, learn differently, listen differently. Different skin tones, hair textures, languages, accents, abilities. And all of it is not only welcome in the classroom, but it’s all an important part of the classroom because diversity makes us strong! Ugh, I could go on and on about this.

When this becomes the culture of a classroom, there is so much room and language for accepting one another’s differences. So I might chat with the classroom teacher and find out if this is part of the school/classroom culture, and if it’s not, what can we do together to bring in some of these values. This is a TALL order, and a teacher really has to believe all this in order to teach it. But maybe you or other parents can bring some books to read to the class - “Can You” by Sonia Sotomayor and “A Kids Book About Neurodiversity” by our amazing are two books that are great to start.

This is a lot - I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you, but my hope is that you feel empowered to advocate for your kid at school. And when we do, we’re giving the teachers and classmates the opportunity to learn and empathize and become better humans.

it’s wonderful that you want to be transparent and respectful of your daughter through this process. And it makes sense to wonder how to do that!! One way I approached the beginning of this process with my son was to frame it in such a way that we are trying to help him with the things that are hard for him, and not things that are hard for us as his parents.

So we said to him, “Hey, you know how it’s so hard for you when things are out of place? Or when people act in ways that don’t make sense to you? And it can be so hard when even we don’t understand what you’re going through - Mom and Dad are trying our very best, but sometimes we need the help of people who have learned a lot about how kids’ brains work. So we’re gonna see if your pediatrician can connect us to someone who can help so that we can get you the support you need so that things might get a little easier for you.”

So when we center our kids’ experience, I think it can make it feel like an act of love and support more than anything else.

As for the pediatrician… I would send a message ahead of time about what you’re there to talk about, including some details about the behaviors you’re seeing, the frequency and intensity of the behaviors and how it’s affecting daily life.

And to be honest, I think it’s best to have these conversations with your ped out of earshot of your kid so you can be as descriptive and honest as possible. You can ask the pediatrician’s office how this might happen - maybe you and your husband can bring your kid and then after seeing the pediatrician altogether, one parent can take your child to play while the other parent and the doctor have a longer discussion. Maybe a nurse can play with your child in the hallway, maybe you can bring a tablet with headphones that your daughter can watch in the exam room.

And when you do talk to the pediatrician, once again, specific details about the challenging behavior, frequency, intensity and its impact on daily life is super important.

A bit of emotional vaccination for you: A common response from pediatricians is some version of “let’s wait and see.” There could be novels written about how frustrating this advice is. I want to send you all the sturdiness in the world so that you won’t settle for this response.

Sorry if I’m coming on strong!! 😂 I am just super passionate about supporting parents in your position and I hope that you will feel as confident as possible going into this appointment so that you can get prompt support for your kiddo.

I would go about it in two stages: first, education, and then breaking that association between the fire alarm and a fear response.

I would start with some education about what fire alarms are for. “If there was a fire in the house, is it important or not important that we know about it? If there’s a fire at school, do you think people need to know about it? Well that’s what fire alarms are for! What if a fire alarm was super quiet and whispered ‘hey everyone, there’s a fire be careful’? Would that be helpful?” and so on. And also explaining why the lights on the fire alarm flash.

A social story about what happened at daycare can also be really powerful! She may need a way to process what happened.

And then after she has a good understanding, then I would start creating more positive associations with the fire alarm. Maybe print a coloring page with a fire alarm and she gives it eyes and crazy hair. Maybe when you see a fire alarm out and about she can wave to it and she hears you say, “Thank you fire alarm for always watching out for us!” and you can pretend the fire alarm is saying back, “you’re welcome!” in a silly voice. Maybe her stuffed animals can have a fire drill and you can make a fire alarm sound with your voice. —whatever way you can make a positive association with fire alarms.

Only as a last step would I have her hear the sound of the fire alarm, but in a controlled setting where she knows it’s coming, is okay with it; maybe she’s prepared with noise-dampening headphones, safe in your arms, maybe with a plan to turn it off when your daughter says she wants it turned off.

I would also advocate for her at school and ask for advanced notice about the next fire drill, even requesting that it not happen during nap time. She can be ready with her headphones and holding a favorite stuffy.

I want to direct you to this interview with Carol Dweck, who is the godmother of the growth mindset theory. She has done a ton of research into motivation and I read a lot of her stuff in grad school because it’s absolutely fascinating. Here’s a transcript of an interview she did that I think every parent should read:

https://www.npr.org/transcripts/483126798

The messaging we send to our kids is really powerful. But it can take time. It may even take an explicit conversation with our kids about how we talked about their abilities before and how maybe it wasn’t so helpful, and verbalizing a commitment to do things differently.

One of Carol Dweck’s early research about motivation was studying the power of a single piece of feedback: saying “you’re so smart at this” vs “you worked really hard at that.” Kids were given a task and then given one of the pieces of feedback by the researcher. Then they were given the choice of another easy task or a more challenging task. And overall the kids who were told “you’re really smart at this” chose the easier task and the kids who were told “you worked really hard at that” chose the more challenging task.

Our kids’ perceptions of the malleability of their own intelligence can be shaped and changed! It’s all about peppering this language all over the place. If you notice someone who sings really well, say “Wow he must have practiced a LOT to get that good.” Or if you watch an animated movie with really cool graphics, “That must have taken so much time from a lot of people to make it look that good.” Or a Dr. Becky classic, “I remember a time when…” telling a story when your effort, not your intelligence, led to success.

Those are all side-door stuff, but it may take some direct messaging to your child as well, saying a bit of something and just leaving it, not necessarily trying to convince your child to switch to a growth mindset in the moment.

We’re basically flavoring the soup our kids are in, surrounding them with this language and attitude and belief about how intelligence is malleable. And eventually that flavor seeps in.

At age 7, I can understand why you’d want to begin teaching this skill and I love how you’re taking time to carefully consider your approach before talking to him. <3 <3 I also see how thoughtful you’re being about not wanting to shame him or judge him, but purely come from the teaching perspective, which is great.

Something we did for our son was take an even wider view at saying hi, neutrally explaining why this social rule exists and not even attaching it to his actions (or non-actions). I asked him why he thinks people say hi. He couldn’t quite articulate it.

So I explained that it’s one of those social rules (which we’ve talked about before… That social rules are different than safety rules; that they can be weird and sometimes not make a whole lot of sense!). And I told him, “It’s a way that a lot of people show friendliness and that they’ve noticed someone, like saying ‘I see you.’ And most people will say hi back, to be friendly and tell that person, ‘I see you also!’ “ And then I asked him, “Do you know that there are lots of ways people can respond to ‘hi’?” And we talked about high-fives and waving.

But I also emphasized that not saying hi doesn’t mean you’re not a friendly person. And I also made sure to ask him how he feels about all this.

And then when we’re out and about, I modeled it while being explicit with what I was doing and said, “That person said hi to me, but I didn’t feel like speaking so I just waved.” (For my son, modeling on its own never did a thing. But when I pair modeling with verbally narrating what I’m doing, it really made a difference.)

Eventually, I asked him if saying hi is hard. And his answer was so illuminating to me. He said, “Yeah, because sometimes I’m thinking about something, and I don’t want to stop.” And that really informed the way I approached this conversation. Because I didn’t want to skip over the reason why something is hard.

Anyway, those are our experiences with this! Please take whatever resonates and leave the rest! :) :)

You mentioned the possibility of being denied any support or accommodations and being left with a “label.” …I am passionate about getting our kids accurately diagnosed (or getting diagnoses accurately ruled out), so forgive me if my tone here is a bit forceful! 😆 But I care so so deeply about our precious kids who are differently wired, so this is coming from a place of support, I promise! Here goes—

If your daughter has ADHD or receives some other diagnosis, she deserves to have and know about her diagnosis, even if she won’t receive any accommodations for them. ❤️

Most of our differently-wired kids already see that they struggle with things that most of their peers do not, they see that they’re far more advanced in things that their peers are not… in short, they see how they are sometimes/often different. And without knowing that they’re a “normal kid with ADHD” or in my son’s case a “normal Autistic kid,” there’s the likely possibility that they may feel… not normal; without understanding why. And that’s a tough spot for a kid.

This is one of my favorite quotes when advocating for a diagnosis: “Why do you need a label? Because there is comfort in knowing you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse. Because you can’t find community with other zebras if you don’t know you belong. And because it’s impossible for a zebra to be happy or healthy spending its life feeling like a failed horse.”

As a mother to an Autistic child and having seen all the stories here on Good Inside and beyond, I believe that labels are helpful, labels are empowering, labels are validating. <3

Again, I say this with the utmost compassion for your daughter and I am cheering you both on! You’re wonderful for wanting to get supports in place for her so she can succeed at school!

We’ve been there for sure! The minutes leading up to leaving the house for school are so fraught and I feel like I have to do a LOT to make sure my son stays regulated. And then random things like getting hurt or suddenly remembering a toy that we can’t find can derail everything.

So when I think about school refusal, especially in the context that you gave, it makes me think of two things: 1) I can’t send my son to school dysregulated. And I think we’re on the same page here. But then keeping him home the whole day might not feel right. So what I’ll do instead is tell my son, “Hey, you’re having a really hard time right now, so let’s take some time at home so your feelings can settle a bit. Let’s set a timer for 30 minutes, and we’ll see if you’re ready for school by then.” I know this isn’t possible for many parents who have to get to work. But once I accept he’s going to be late, once we have a plan, the pressure is off of both of us, and then I can really focus in on some regulation strategies: deep breathing, Pokemon trivia, etc.

Second, if the school refusal is happening even when there’s no particular trigger that makes him dysregulated and it seems like school itself might be the trigger, then I would get into information gathering mode. School can be really hard for our kids, and often for good reason. Maybe the teacher uses a harsh tone, maybe they have special (art, music) that they really don’t like, maybe our kids are being asked to do things that they’re not developmentally ready for, and so on. I’ll try to ask some open ended questions about what about school is hard, starting with (hopefully) easy yes/no questions like “is anyone hurting you?” or “are there bugs all over the classroom?” to more targeted questions like “is there something about your teacher that’s hard for you? Something about the school work? Morning meeting time? The kids at your table?”

Once we figure out where the difficulty lies, we can start advocating for some changes, accommodations or just starting with a conversation with someone who can help.

My son gets top grades in everything, but he still has a robust IEP, including OT and speech because of his other needs.

The situation you’re experiencing is unfortunately pretty common— where schools may focus on academic performance when determining eligibility for services like an IEP, even though social skills are equally important!

FAPE (Free and Appropriate Public Education) comes from the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), a U.S. federal law. IDEA guarantees that children with disabilities have access to a public education that is tailored to their individual needs, at no cost to their families. FAPE is a key principle under IDEA and ensures that students receive not only academic instruction but also the necessary services and supports to thrive in school.

Again, FAPE means that schools are required to provide services that meet the individual needs of a child, not just academically but in all areas that impact their ability to benefit from education, which includes social skills. 🙌

You can ask for a comprehensive evaluation in the area of social skills and pragmatic (social) language. Even if academics are not impacted, deficits in these areas can still qualify your child for services!

I’m learning how useful ChatGPT can be to advocate for our kids. If you type up your situation and ask ChatGPT to draft an email citing FAPE and the IDEA to request a speech evaluation, it’ll give you a pretty great response! You can also ask ChatGPT about what are the next steps!

I’d love to share how we’ve helped our son deal with “no”s and “not right now”s, and I hope you’ll take whatever is helpful to you! :)

My son usually uses what I call the Most Anxious Interpretation. When my daughter says she wants space, my son interprets it as “I never want to play with you again.” When I tell him no candy tonight for dinner, he interprets it as “You can never have candy again ever.” You get the pattern. And I’ve noticed that these MAIs happen more intensely and more easily when there’s already been a good amount of demand on his nervous system (sensory stimuli, things not going as expected, etc.).

So I do two things. 1) In the back of my mind, I always have tabs on where his nervous system might be at. 2) Whenever I make a request of him or have to say some version of “no,” I’ll always start off by telling him what I’m not saying. For example, if I want him to transition off the iPad for dinner time, I’ll say, “Hey, Marcus! Wow, did you catch a Dynamax Wooloo in Pokemon Go? Awesome! Hey, just letting you know that I’m not telling you you HAVE to stop iPad right this moment, I’m not telling you that you’re doing anything wrong. I just wanna let you know dinner is ready and you can come join us in the next couple minutes, okay?”

We talk a lot about literal messages and hidden messages, too. For a kid who’s very literal, he tends to attach hidden meanings to lots of things. Granted, there are often hidden messages (the hidden message underneath “Dinner’s ready” = “come to dinner”). So it’s helped him to learn the phrases that do often have hidden messages and the requests that don’t. Or we’ll be very explicit and tell him, “Marcus - no hidden message - please put your socks on before coming to the garage!”

For messages that get consistently misinterpreted, we’ve put flyers all over the house and car that all say, “NO or STOP = ‘can we play a different way?’ NO or STOP ≠ ‘You’re bad / I don’t like you / I never want to play with you’.” (I’m literally copying this from the sign we have next to where I’m typing lol)

Something else that helps my son is incorporating some OT strategies like heavy work and other sensory strategies to bring his base line of anxiety lower, giving him time to decompress throughout the day, even before he hits dysregulation zone. This isn’t always possible, but we try to do it preemptively when we can, and it makes it less likely that he’ll use his Most Anxious Interpretation.

So… application… 1) I might write down some of the common demands/requests that she’ll hear at school and for each, write out both what these things don’t mean and what they do mean.

2) Consider her sensory profile, and think about some things that help to calm her. You can advocate to make these strategies accessible to your daughter throughout the school day, or have them scheduled throughout the school day, and teach your daughter the what/why/how these things might help her.

I will preface my comment by saying that - in my family’s situation - the following is the advice that I wish I had received earlier on and it would have saved all of us (my son especially) a lot of anguish and confusion. So I say all this as someone who has greatly benefited from this advice. I’ll also say that I am not a clinician - only a parent who has been learning a great deal about these things - and I might be totally off, and if none of my ideas resonate, please disregard completely. ❤️

Hyperfixations like this is a common trait of Autism. And this is not to say that everyone who does this is certainly Autistic OR that every Autistic person does this. But special interests like this (aboot Pokemon and even about a particular friend) PLUS a combination of other characteristics (below) are what make up the Autism neurotype. I mention this because if (big if) your son is Autistic, then it might help put these behaviors in perspective. For my son, his hyperfixations (also Pokemon right now! Haha) help him to feel safe and regulated.

Autism is a pattern of differences, including differences in language skills (like advanced language/literacy skills, taking things literally, for example), social differences (not following typical social cues, difficulty with peer relationships sometimes, etc.) and differences in routines & sensory processing. It was far more subtle than the stereotypes I grew up believing about Autism, which is one reason why it took so long for me to consider it. If you’re curious about this, @MrsSpeechieP on Instagram is an Autistic speech teacher, and has some easily digestible information about some of these topics, in particular, this amazing post: https://www.instagram.com/p/C_QHb5sC7ev/?img_index=1

I’ll say once again, that this may not apply to your son at all, but I’d rather put this bug in your ear in case it could be helpful—just because of how much we’ve benefited from someone doing the same for me.

Sending lots of love! Pokemon is an endless, bottomless world, and I totally understand how overwhelming the obsession can be. ❤️❤️ But I think you’re handling it beautifully.

First, I hope you’ll take time to just feel whatever you’re feeling. Whether it’s grief, confusion, relief, validation, frustration - you are absolutely allowed these feelings. We need time to go through these different emotions and process them. They are all allowed.

And when we’re ready, then we look at our kid. Our beautiful kid who we would do anything for. We would move for the world for them, wouldn’t we?

Thanks to your amazing advocacy, thanks to you pursuing this evaluation, your daughter can now understand herself better. She now has the diagnosis and the knowledge to advocate for herself when she’s ready. She will grow up knowing that she’s not broken but that she belongs; she’ll be able to find a community of people who are like her or who understand her; she has incredible strengths and challenges that can be met with support and empathy because of this label.

Remember that our kids don’t know the stigma that exists behind this diagnosis. Isn’t that amazing? Our kids are often so willing to accept that Autism is just a particular way of learning and thinking. Not only that, but the negative stigma itself is losing power fast. As more Autistic adults speak openly about their diagnoses, as teachers, providers, parents and kids use the word Autism and neurodiversity and neurodivergence not as bad words but as words to empower and understand, that stigma is really losing its foothold.

I post this quote all the time in here, and I’m happy to post it once again because it is so powerful to me: “Why do you need a label? Because there is comfort in knowing you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse. You can't find community with other zebras if you don't know you belong. It is impossible for a zebra to be happy or healthy spending its life feeling like a failed horse."

You are an amazing parent to your kid for putting your efforts in to get this diagnosis, Jennifer. The road to get to this point was hard - I know. ❤️ And the road ahead seems totally different than you imagined. But now even you have a community (here! and elsewhere!) of people who understand your struggle and can empathize with you and support you.

Giving you the biggest hug.

I think the first step is for you 💓 I really hope that you can come to a place where you see the diagnosis as a tool for understanding - all around (him understanding himself, others understanding him, etc.).

This quote always stays with me: “ ‘Why do you need a label?’ Because there is comfort in knowing you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse. Because you can’t find community with other zebras if you don’t know you belong. And because it is impossible for a zebra to be happy or healthy spending its life feeling like a failed horse.”

If you peruse this NDK room, you’ll see tons of stories about how helpful a diagnosis has been for so many families and so many kids.

Here's how we told our son. Over breakfast, we were already talking about his special interest at the time: countries and capitals. We said, "Hey, Marcus. You know how memorizing the capitals of countries comes so easy to you? And how math is so easy for you? And also sometimes understanding what people mean and don't mean can be hard? (All things we've previously discussed) So we found out from Dr. Williams that your brain thinks and learns in a particular way that's called Autism. It's not a sickness (he is and was very anxious about sicknesses so we knew to nip that in the bud), and it's nothing bad or wrong. But knowing that you are Autistic will help us, and all your teachers and even friends learn more about how your brain works. And we hope that it'll also help you understand yourself better, too."

He said, "Oh," and then he asked if any of us are Autistic. We said no, not that we know of. "But Ms. Foster and Ms. Miller both have kids who are Autistic. And one of your classmates is Autistic too." (Of course, we only share this if the diagnosis has been disclosed to the child.)

The conversation that day ended there, and he went to go play. But it's been three years, and that conversation is ongoing.

A few days later, we talked about how his teachers will think it's really helpful to know that he's Autistic. "Why?" he asked. "Because they really want what's best for you and to help you learn and have fun at school. Because they'll be able to understand your brain better, they'll be able to support you better."

Some questions he's been asking these days: Is Autism bad? Can Autism be cured? Why does Autism feel like only a bad thing? Will this still be hard when I'm older? Can I meet an older Autistic person? Is x because of my Autism? I wish my sister was Autistic.

I thought I'd mention these questions in case you wanted to dig into any of them before you talk to your son?

In the end, I made sure to tie his Autism diagnosis to concrete things that he has already noticed - his challenges and his gifts. Both are important. And keeping it concrete and less theoretical was also really helpful for my son.

Sending lots of love! ❤️❤️ You can do this!

As a parent to an Autistic child, thank you so much for asking this question. ❤️

Something I’ve done with both my kids is instill in them this language about individual differences regarding things that come easy to some kids, things that are challenging, skills that kids are working on.

My son actually has a hard time with other Autistic kids who are more physical than him. What we’ve told him: “You know how there are some things that are really easy for you, and things that are hard for you? You’re really good at math, and it feels so easy for you! But Ivy’s been having a hard time with that, right? You’re good at a lot of things, but there are some things that are challenging for you, like swimming and understanding the hidden messages when people talk. For Aidan, controlling his hands is something that’s been hard for him. His teachers are working with him, just like your swim teacher is working with you. So just like you’re really good at math and you’re working on your swimming, Aidan is really good at sports and he’s working on controlling his hands safely.”

We incorporate this language all the time, and it’s really helped open the door to talking about people with all kinds of disabilities and differences.

If the parent has disclosed the Autism diagnosis to the child, then I might also tell my child about that diagnosis. So something like, “Something to know is that Aidan is Autistic. And this is a word people use to describe people whose brains learn and think kinda differently from people who are not Autistic. Some Autistic people have a hard time with loud sounds, some Autistic people have really good memory, some Autistic people have a hard time when they’re bored or upset, some Autistic people are really creative and detail-oriented. School can be hard for some Autistic people, so that might be the reason why he hits.”

As for including him, …that’s a lot harder, honestly. Playing inclusively with someone who hits takes an incredible amount of empathy, and it’s amazing for kids who can do it! But if it hasn’t happened yet, I think I would limit my expectations to small, concrete things you can teach your son to do. And it will have to come with time.

But maybe in the immediate future, for this birthday party, just to help this classmate feel welcome, maybe give your son something very discrete and concrete to do. If this classmate really likes Pokemon or Bluey, maybe your son can give him a sheet of stickers that’s of interest to him. Or give your son one single open-ended question to ask about this classmate’s interest, like a script. Or you can ask your child to give this classmate a high-five a few times during the party.

Again, I’m so glad you’re making an effort to make this classmate feel included!

And now for some unsolicited advice… 😂 For my son, I know I’m always thankful when birthday hosts give me information about the party so I can set my son up for success. Information like… the order of events, when the food will be served, what food will be served, when the treats will be served, how loud the environment might be, when the ending time will be, maybe even sending a video of what this place looks/sounds like—anything you can think of to help this friend know what to expect. I think offering this kind of information can also be considered inclusion 😊

Ok so - oldest punches youngest while we are going to the pool. I said, ok you won’t earn that extra amount but you still have your $10. 8 yo loses his mind about this. I said don’t worry - you can still earn money choice time. Didn’t matter. He could not get over the loss of that bonus money opportunity.

The first thought that comes to mind for me is how tricky incentives can be. And this is not a criticism of the fact that you’re employing incentives at all! But I think one tweak I would make is *not tying an incentive to the absence of an unwanted behavior*.

I think giving him the opportunity to DO something (like the chores!) to earn the money is wonderful!

But the fact that he was disqualified from the bonus money because of one mistake hitting his brother… it can really backfire, can’t it?

And I saw this in the classroom all the time - when a classroom behavior system doesn’t allow a child to move back to “green” after they’ve gone to “red,” well, what motivation is there anymore to even try?

And on top of that, these behaviors that often come from dysregulation… (hitting, being rude, name-calling, damaging property) are mostly involuntary; their logical brains are not online to even control the behavior, so it can feel really frustrating to the child.

All that to say… I think incentives can be most effective when we use them to reward a *wanted* behavior, not to reward the *absence of an unwanted behavior*.

But if you must use it to reward the absence of an unwanted behavior, maybe I would break up a longer stretch of time into chunks. “Every hour/half-hour you don’t hit your brother you can earn x points/cents.”

And finding out what’s going on beneath the surface with the hitting is also important… so that I could support the sensory needs, address the frustration, misunderstanding and communication issues that might be causing it so that my child feels supported and understood in trying to extinguish this behavior.

And once again I want to make sure you know that I don’t say this with any judgment at all!! ❤️❤️❤️ Incentives are really tricky and I can see how you’re trying to be thoughtful about it! It can be so frustrating when a strategy backfires and it causes more issues than we expected. I’m right there with you.

We don’t have ADHD in the family, but I’ve been learning a lot by what people share here in this room.

One thing about ADHD is that their dopamine can be different than others, and they can seek out novelty and newness in particular ways. If you use the search function in the community and type in the words “dopamine ADHD,” you’ll actually see a few other threads where this concept is discussed and it may help explain the constant desire for entertainment. My guess is that it’s not the expensiveness of it that draws him, but the newness and novelty… and they just happen to be expensive 😩😩

One thing that’s helped my son a lot is teaching him more about how his brain works. And as you learn more about the dopamine differences for many kids with ADHD, I wonder if it could help frame your conversations with your son differently if he knew that his brain was wired this way. Just a thought…

As for connection, I think one way to rethink connection, especially with our neurodivergent kids, is not to measure our connection with them by their behavior because there can be sooooo much more to their behavior that has nothing to do with how connected they feel to us.

For our neurodivergent kids, connection is safety, feeling heard, feeling like we’re not judging them for their feelings or behavior, that we see them struggling, that we are doing our best to support them and understand how their brains work. And this is so hard to type because we are having some really tough moments with our Autistic son lately. Sigh.

But when I feel attacked by the things my son says, for example “you don’t care about me,” I have to take a breath and see the feeling beneath the accusation. And often it’s “I don’t think you understand how I’m feeling right now.” And when your son says “you never do fun things for me” or similar, I wonder how we can interpret that underlying feeling that he’s trying to express.

The Good Inside way of equating connection with better compliance can work well for many neurotypical kids, but for most of our neurodivergent kids who have a lot more going on under the hood than is intuitive to parents, it’s often only a piece of the puzzle.

Something I might do is pull them aside individually when possible and do some collaborative problem solving with them.

“I noticed that [this situation happens] and I’m wondering what’s going on for you.” I had this chat with my daughter and she revealed to me that she felt like I was being bossy and it made her want to clean even less than she originally wanted to. It’s really interesting what can be revealed when their defenses are down!

Something my son struggles with is the executive function of it all. When there’s a mess, he honestly doesn’t even know where to start and he gets really flustered. So I ask if he wants some guidance, and I ask him to start with one category of thing to put in a specific spot. “Can you please start with the markers and put them in the marker bin. After that, find things that belong in the trash can.”

Maybe your kids don’t struggle with this, but I thought I’d mention it because often the unlearned skills of executive functioning can fly under the radar and come off as laziness or lack of motivation.

Thank you! I know they lack the skills and habits because they don’t clean up often enough (and I know that’s our fault), but I also don’t know how to teach them because when I try they think I’m bossing them around or act resentful like I’m micromanaging them. Maybe that’s what my question comes down to—how do you teach someone a skill they don’t want to be taught? How do you motivate them to practice that skill until they can do it on their own??

This is a really good question! And for myself, I really had to dig down to uncover my own motivations. I found that I did feel a sense of shame that my kids didn’t have this skill, that our house was a mess. To be even more honest, I had this mini-resentment toward the kids that they didn’t already take responsibility for their own messes. And I don’t know how kids do it, but they totally sense these underlying feelings, no matter what gentle and loving words I actually use. So that was my first step - removing the shame and judgment.

Second, being free from shame and judgment, we had a macro-level talk with the kids about WHY we clean. And this is another really hard part - because it’s so important not to attach cleanliness to goodness. So what’s the underlying value here? For me, it’s being welcoming to guests so that they’ll feel at home and want to come again (my kids love having people over). And if we wait til the last day before guests come, the cleaning job is TOO big. That’s something they can get behind. Sometimes the reason I use is so that we can find stuff, so parts of things don’t get lost, so that we don’t accidentally step on things and hurt ourselves—whatever is a concrete value for your kids. So that’s the buy-in.

Only after doing ALL of that did I start actually support them in building skills. The skill building part is all about breaking a big task into smaller steps, sometimes even writing it down. And this takes a lot of intentionality and time. So even “clean up the board game” can be many different steps: find the game pieces, put them in their place, gather the cards together and put them in their place, fold up the board, put it on top, find the cover and close it, put the board game in the closet. It seems so obvious to us, but it isn’t to all kids (especially mine!). And doing it with them - remembering to shake off any feelings of shame and judgment - is a great way to connect.

I love this video from the amazing Caitlin Greer Meister who was a guest at one of our Good Inside live events all about breaking down tasks and how to present it to our kids.

My Good Inside Archive

Are DFKs neurodivergent?

How do I help my child build cognitive flexibility?

When I don't do what my kid wants, she says I don't love her

Help! My toddler is scared of public bathrooms!

My child can't handle big emotions or intensity on TV

How to explain neurodivergence to parents at school?

My kid can't handle when I ask him to do something

My kid has a hard time losing games

How to not ruin Santa for other kids

My kid with ADHD keeps getting in trouble

My autistic son struggles with social situations and gets in trouble at school

How to talk to the doctor and our daughter about possible neuropsych eval?

After a surprise fire alarm incident at school, my kid is terrified of the fire alarm

How to teach my kid a "growth mindset"?

My son never says "hi" back.

My kid might have ADHD or autism but I don't want them to be "labeled."

My kid is fine once at school, but he gets so dysregulated in the morning!

My child's IEP was taken away because his "academics" weren't impacted,. but he's still struggling!

My ND kid really struggles with "no" or "not now"

My son is obsessed with his interests and can't talk about anything else

Heartbroken about my child's recent ASD diagnosis

How do I tell my child about their autism diagnosis?

How to encourage my neurotypical kid to include his autistic classmate?

Incentives with my ADHD kid are backfiring!

When I try to connect with my kid with ADHD, all he wants is expensive things/experiences

My kids refuse to clean their messes

“May Contain”